Smear diary: It's time to give my bod a full check
I'M NOT going to make any apologies for my crudeness, but I've an announcement to make that may offend some: I'm the proud owner of a fantastic fanny and I need to shout it loud and proud!
In case you weren't aware, I have a beautiful vaginal wall and I don't mean that in a gross kind of pervy way. For the record, it came as news to me as well, but please bear with me, there's method to my madness in me sharing this with you. And no, I'm not about to have a mini Samantha Brick rant.
Obviously beauty is in the eye of the beholder and all that, but this week I was told I have a beautiful healthy vaginal wall and in the interest of the common good, I want to share my good fortune and get all women talking about their lady bits. I'm sure that by now you've guessed I'm going to start talking smears. It's a bizarre one to me, but, amazingly enough, the vast majority of women out there still find the idea of smears a taboo subject, even though we all have vaginas.
Go on, say the word out loud: 'VAGINA'. It's actually quite liberating - once you're not in public of course!
It's been a few years since my last smear, so I thought it was time to give my body a full health screening, seeing as my exterior has been subjected to such a radical makeover of late. My last smear was actually just over three years ago. I know this because Jade Goody was dead three years in March and, like thousands of other women, her illness and death inspired me to get checked out.
I was so grateful to the campaigning she did before she died, which sadly turned out to be on Mother's Day, that I dedicated my second book, Champagne Babes, to her and other cancer victims. It turned out that around the same time I found lumps in my left breast and had to have a mammogram and a biopsy. Thankfully, all results came back clear, but I will never forget the agony of waiting for the news. It was two days of hell. Needless to say, I felt extremely lucky and I made a promise to myself to spread awareness because of that luck.
You can insert your own gags about how my lumpy boobs even out my beautiful vagina, but in all seriousness I need to ask this: When was the last time you checked your bits? Are we talking days, months or years? There's no need to email me with your replies, but if your answer is either 'years' or 'never', then get yourself down to your GP quick.
When we're talking about smears, all women should be checked at least every three years, unless you're in a high-risk category.
When we're talking about our boobs, well there's no reason why we shouldn't check them every day in the shower - if you've got someone else to check them for you, then even better!
Oddly enough, since I've been in for my health screening and was given top marks for bloods, cholesterol and eyesight, I have since descended into a totally unrelated sickness. I'm calling it my 'Mammy flu' because while I really do feel like absolute crap, I am still able-bodied enough to function, which I think you will agree is incredibly annoying!
But the moral of my story is simple: colds and bouts of flu will come and go, but underlying illnesses won't. Jade Goody was proof that even the good can die young if you don't undergo regular smear testing. You have been told, now what are you going to do about it?
Send Article to a Friend
Back to Top of Page
Real Savings...
EVERY home should have a first aid kit, especially one that has paper stitches in it. Last year a lot of stress and a doctor's bill was the result of my youngest son Setanta slipping and hitting his cheek off a table, leaving him with an angry-looking, gaping wound.
We had only arrived home from the doctor when my son proceeded to rip off the paper stitches (right), leaving us back to square one. After a quick trip to the local chemist, we discovered we could buy the same paper stitches for a euro and 'Nurse Brunker' patched up the wound.
The moral of the story? Don't panic and always have paper stitches on hand for emergencies.
Send Article to a Friend
Back to Top of Page
IF YOU'RE worried that your partner is getting addicted to online porn, then why not try showing them the real thing to distract them?
WITH the threat of frost (almost) no longer a problem, it's time to get motivated for planting and getting your garden to work for you.