SIMON Cowell must have been rubbing his grubby mitts even more than usual following Sunday's X Factor final.
Booty-waggling performances from Rihanna and Christina Aguilera led to a flood of complaints (and repeated viewings).
Some fans didn't see what the fuss was about.
They may not have noticed the difference between one set of arses and the finalists.
THE search for Bill Cullen's new apprentice ended last Monday.
This year, Michelle Massey landed the €100k job. Michelle is from Peterborough in the UK.
Last year, it was Steve Rayner from Middlesborough in the UK who got it.
People from Bailieborough should think about an application form for next year.
WHAT does a government do when it's about to be turfed out?
Well, Mary Coughlan put Jackie Gallagher on the board of Trinity College. He is Bertie Ahern's former advisor.
Dermot Ahern, gave Rosemary Healy-Rae a job on Criminal Injuries Board.
You may know her dad. It's good to have friends.
It's the most wonderful time of the year
We've all been bankrupted
By those most corrupted
Who comfortably sneer
It's the most wonderful time of the year
Yes, that was 2010.
A year which saw us finally understand what "European Solidarity" really means: "gang together and bully the small guy out of his lunch money".
No better time then to announce the traditional City Slicker awards!
We start with the right honourable Neil Prendeville.
Hitherto a Cork DJ, Mr Prendeville went above and beyond the call of duty in his efforts to research erectile dysfunction.
A breakthrough in October involving painkillers and alcohol at 10,000 feet earns him this year's "Cold spoon" award.
Onto someone who could be described in similar terms; US resident David Drumm.
Unlike his dozy Anglo colleague Seanie, Dave was crafty enough to skip the country and avoid the awkward questions. Further craftiness was on show as he exploited US bankruptcy laws to keep his greasy mitts on some of his loot.
Bravo Dave.Your award is a statue which is to be erected on O'Connell street.
It'll be a foot high to ensure that it isn't only the pigeons who get to pay their respects.
Sticking with the thorny issue of finance and regulation, we salute Mr John Hurley.
Central bank governor for seven years, and crucial to the meltdown we're now paying for, he more than deserves this year's "Stephen Hawking" award.
Sadly this is due to a physical resemblance rather than any kind of intellectual prowess.
Of course, there's nothing more important these days than hard graft. Turning up to earn your keep. No-one does that better than our ex-premier, Bartholomew Ahern.
When he's not appearing in the odd cupboard, he's ensuring that his rump doesn't overstay its welcome in the dail.
After all, we can't all sit around listening to boring economy stuff when a premier league match has be watched.
This brand of crassness sees Bertie's leathery neck earn the much-coveted "Jockey's Undercarriage" award.
People are still curious about his hasty exit after the recent budget speech. Was he rushing out due to heartburn or could it have been a novel sensation called guilt?
Yeah, probably heartburn.
Another topic close to people's hearts is the elderly. You see, it takes a special quality to squat at the head of a health service like ours.
One which allowed the kind of elder abuse reported in Lea's Cross in 2005 to remain five years later.
Take a bow Mary Harney, and please accept the "Werthers Original" award. Look on the bright side folks, there's a good chance she'll be out of a job by the time you get old.
It would be remiss of course to neglect our most capable piggybank smasher, Brian Lenihan. Well-deserving of the new "Crubeens" award because he only takes his foot out his mouth when he wants to put the other one in.
Nice work again this week, Brian.
Slate the AIB bonuses only for the pesky media to expose a thriving bonus culture in your own department.
It's not easy being catastrophically wrong about everything for two solid years.
Little wonder he's the great white hope for Fianna Fail. They like a bit of consistency.
Last but not least we must address the portly chap up front. That's the guy slumped over the wheel with the line of drool hanging off his chin. He must be thrilled silly to see his herculean efforts bear fruit after so many years.
Congratulations Brian, we're in a smashing state.
Enjoy your Garda driver, pensions and all else that you're due once you get kicked out. You might even manage to supplement your income with a newspaper column like your ex-boss.
Please accept this "Chocolate teapot" award in recognition of your overall usefulness.
HARDSHIP. Oh, you think you know it after that budget but you know nothing.
Imagine you're only managing to scrimp a measly €75k a year.
Now imagine that your scrooge employer tries to screw you out of your welldeserved €163k bonus.
Well-deserved in the sense that you've done your bit to bring the house down. Not easy, that.
So what would you do? Well, if you're John Foy, you just won't take it anymore. That's why brave John took to court to fight the good fight for 2,500 of his fellow bankers.
And bingo! The ruling favoured David over Goliath.
Of course, Goliath in this case is the basket-case bank that we'll soon own, and David's bonus is coming directly from our pockets.
Nice work again by Brian Lenihan and AIB.
They come across as a pair of surly teenagers who only make a lame effort to do the right thing when they get shouted at loud enough.
Of course, the mullarkey about AIB backing down on subsequent bonus payments is just that.
More cases will be taken by those most undeserving. Lenihan will continue to make impotent noises about it not happening again.
And we will continue to shell out while those responsible continue to coin in.
